How You Were Born
by FyrByrd-X
Summary: YO. Forgive any mistakes. These series of stories are some ideas that i'd like to get off my chest or my take on stories i've read. These stories might feature FemNaru, Insane peoples, and general oddness, with a few serious one shots posted here and there. Reviews and other such contributions will be much appreciated. Positive criticism is also appreciated as i am new here. BOYII
1. Chapter 1 - How thou was Born

YO MINNA-SAN!

First fan-fic, would have been posted sooner, but someone's laptop decided to give me the finger. **NOTE**; This fanfic is not actually mine, but a cut-out from another author's work; SORRY DUDE, can't remember the fic or name, but appologies for no PM.

Now that that's overwith, ONWARD MY PEOPLE, COME TO THE GLORIOUS LAND OF THIS FIC

* * *

The village of Konoha was aloft with life: birds were chirping, bees were buzzing, and kids were giggling with joy. The sun shimmered in the cloudless sky, as if to highlight the joy the townsfolk were basking in and all was right with the world. It was clear everybody was enjoying the splendid afternoon.

Minato Namikaze was not one of those people.

Garbed in a simple t-shirt and pants, he sat alone on a bench in Konoha's park, a figurative cloud of gloom swirling over his sunken head and shoulders, warding off any by-passers that dared approach him.

"Oh my god..." The man whispered, shaking his head.

"I'm so hopeless." It was as if his entire world had been crushed, shredded, and

burned and Shinigami-sama decided to piss fire and brimstone on his already all-time-low self esteem, just for shits and giggles. There was no hope, no act that could alleviate his sense of doom. He doubted anybody could undo what he just did.

As if an answer to his almighty gloom, a phenomenal figure appeared. One so unbelievably manly and suave that whenever he approached, women's nether regions would burn in an explosion of passion and lust! He was a man's man, a role model to all, a true genius among geniuses!

Immediately, in a poof of smoke he had appeared, his masculinity stunning all, his white mane radiating with the sheer gusto of a thousand roaring lions, his sheer presence blowing the minds of all those around him, (even as they were used to Maito Gai's... youthfulness causing their jaws to drop and their eyes to bulge.

"Mommy! Mommy! It's the weird man who stole your clothes!"

"Yeah, mom, he's also the one i saw sneaking away with aunty's undies"

"Just ignore him dear! Maybe he'll go away." said an utterly stunning beauty as she ran off with her son and daughter, death glaring Jiraiya, as one would look at sentient garbage. That being said... some people's minds were blown in different ways.

"Yo kid! You called?" spoke the gallant Jiraiya of the Sannin. The man had long, spiky white hair, was wearing one of the most ridiculous outfits one had ever seen, and had the most unbearably smug smile on his face.

"Yeah..." Minato replied dully, not evenn looking up to acknowledge his teacher.

In response, the white-haired man blinked, opting to take a seat next to his student.

"So why'd you call?" The man said jubilantly, his happiness unabated by his student's despair.

"Me and Kushina-chan... we tried going to third base..." His blush was so intense that Jiraiya

could have sworn the blonde should have swelled up from the overflow of blood.

"Oooooh~" Jiraiya grinned. "I remembered my first time..."

Minato looked to his sensei as one would a tower of blazing hope had been erected to cast away his mid-numbing despair!

"I was 16 and she was 50..."

And that same tower was promptly and properly smashed with a certain giant toad. The sheer amount of wrong in that sentence was immeasurable. It was indescribable. In fact it deserved an entire freaking new word.

It was... it was... **WRONGNIFICOCIOUS!**

Needless to say, he stuck to inventing jutsu.

"Oh god..." Minato suddenly turned green. He felt bile rise up in his throat.

"You may puke now kid, but they're all the same down there." Jiraiya whispered with a glimmer in his eye.

"Oh dear god!" The blonde ran to cluster of nearby bushes, the sound of gagging filling up the park. After a few moments the blonde returned, deathly pale.

"Don't... don't ever do that again." He exasperated, sitting down.

The Sannin gave a hearty laugh, before directing an inquisitive look at the boy.

"So what happened exactly to make you call me?"

Minato quirked his head, giving an inquisitive look.

"Huh?"

"You know..." Jiraiya tried to look for the right words. "Bow-chika-wow-wow~..."

Minato face had returned to a different brilliant shade of red.

"Umhmg mmfg..."

He just remained quiet. The situation was the most embarrassing in his life. He didn't think he could ever live down something so... so shameful! It caused him to retreat into himself, the cloud of doom and agony growing larger by the second.

The Sannin frowned as his prized student retreated into himself. Trying to reassure him, he laughed and patted him on the back.

"Say it like a man kid!"

Minato shook his head feverishly. "I... I can't..." Now that the thought lingered, what he did was just too embarrassing.

Jiraiya had an evil gleam in his eyes. "Ooh, let me guess then."

At that response Minato brought his head up, waving his arms frantically in sheer terror.

"No, no! Don't guess, please for the love of amaterasu,don't guess!"

The horrors that unleashed from that man's mouth was something no person should ever suffer.

"Then...?" Jiraiya drawled, that stupid grin of his plastered on his face.

"I... I..." The words wouldn't come out.

"Out with it boy!" The white haired man spat, shaking his student.

Minato suddenly grabbed the man, whispering in his ear. In response, Jiraiya's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. This was something that was confidential between two men. Uttering this would be a disservice to their student-teacher bond.

"YOU JIZZED IN YOUR PANTS!?" Well so much for that bond.

What was left of the park population suddenly left.

"Did you have to scream it!?" Minato shouted, rubbing his ears and trying(failing) to hide his face. What dignity he had had been destroyed. Wait, there was still a little bit left.

"Well I can understand," Jiraiya laughed. "Some men aren't using to having a party in their pants."

Never mind, it was gone now.

Minato crossed his arms. "You're not helping!"

Why did he have to have such a strange teacher? Honestly!

"I mean seriously! Not that I think about Kushina..." Minato did not like where this was going.

"She's beautiful, she's strong and she's got huge..." Jiraiya suddenly had a very lecherous grin, which caused a rush of anger to swell up within his student.

Minato took out a very peculiar kunai.

"Finish that." There was a very dangerous gleam in

his eyes, seen only by his most hated enemies, none of which had survived, 'except that three eyed flaming-...'. He shook his head.

"I dare you." Only a man with magnificent (MAGNIFICENT! ) balls would continue with their thought process.

"Amounts of chakra..." Jiraiya chuckled nervously. Needless to say, he did not have those magnificent ( MAGNIFICENT!) balls.

"…Nice save." The blonde nodded, his rage doused out. However his glare remainedfixated on his sensei, as if he was staring into his soul, but after a few moments of awkward staring the young gave a sigh. "So, any advice?" The blonde was in a pickle to say the least.

"What are you asking?" Jiraiya said as he shook himself off the stare. Minato shook his head. "I'm wondering how I can fix..." he searched for the right word.

"The awkwardness between us." To be honest, 'awkwardness' was an understatement.

"Huh..." Jiraiya stroked his chin, deep in thought. "Well, you can't." Minato suddenly became glum again.

"Oh." The blonde shook his head. "This is going to suck..." "Buuuuut!" Jiraiya began, bringing forth the blonde's attention again. "I can give you some tips to impress her, and stop you from having an..." Jiraiya gave a small laugh at his student's expense. "Erm, 'episode' again."

Minato glared once again. 'Yeah, give it a nickname!'. The conversation from then on became the most awkward sort known to mankind. It involved some of the most interesting secrets known to mankind, so interesting that the future fourth hokage took out a notepad to write it down.

Some were revolutionary.

"So there's a K-spot?" Minato asked in awe and wonderment.

"Yes, above the G-spot." The man finished matter-of-factly. "But the K-spot can only be activated by the most skilled of lovers. It requires dedication, passion, and a flexible tongue."

Jiraiya suddenly shivered as he thought about his snake-like teammate( from when he had been spying on a the mans bedroom on a mission to Oto)

"But on reaching the K-spot, the woman will reach a level of pleasure that surpasses the most extensive of positions! She will worship you! WORSHIP YOU!"

Minato nodded fervently, scribbling it down like a man possessed. Some were factual.

"Also, love making is not so much what you do, it's what you say." Minato looked at his teacher weirdly. "Huh?"

"Woman have been statistically proven to be aroused by emotion. So you have to say something that makes her feel special."

"How do you know if she feels special?"

"Have you ever said something and she gets this glazed look in her eye?"

"Ooh, that's what that was?"

"... wait, what?"

"I just tell her how much I love her every day and she always gets this strange look in her eye and kisses me."

"Wait... so you just tell her the truth?" Jiraiya threw his arms up in astonishment. This was completely revolutionary!

It went against all his ground rules, his traditions, his motto!

"Aren't you supposed to do that?" Jiraiya was too busy scribbling down in his notepad to answer. This would be an excellent idea for his new book!

But as weird as the information was, it had results.

(Sixteen years later)

Kushina stared at her son within the seal. "And that Naruto, is how your father got me pregnant."

"..."The boy just stared. "...I didn't ask."


	2. Chapter 2 - Undying Love

Secrets [0]: A One-Shot

* * *

"Sayonara: Sakura -chan, later Sai."

"Oyasuminasai, Naruto-kun, Thanks for the Pick-Me-Up; I don't think I could have made it home after that last mission –Those were the toughest Missing-nin I've ever faced!" Sakura groused out loud to anyone willing to listen.

"Hnn, especially when that Hunter-nin and his companions tried to kill us for our bounty." Sai added his two cents "Even when after Naruto pulled out his explosive tags to take them out-"

"Don't remind me,-"Sakura's eyes ticked in exasperated anger "-Naruto, you nearly killed us and made my eardrums bleed"

"G-Gomen Sakura-chan, I didn't know that those tags were for industrial reconstruction, and that you could use too much chakra when activating them!" Naruto explained.

"It says so on the casing and the manual on their uses which was the first thing in the log-damn case."Sakura fired back.

"Okay, sheesh, I'm sorry. I made it up to you didn't I?"

"...Fine. I do like my new gloves."Sakura agreed and chirped happily when reminded of her new, monster thread, chakra conducting gloves with saffron on the back-hand. _Smashing shit just got more fashionable, shan'naro!_

"I also like my present."_Nin-Insurance, Your Top Choice in Recovery of Destroyed Valuables- [remember, we know when you are lying]._

"Hehe~, no probs. Now, I'm off, No missions for a week!"Naruto something-that-sounded-suspiciously-like-yipping.

"..."

"..."

"... |(_Sfx: Cough_)|, err, Oyasumi-na-sai."Naruto shouted as he sped away.

When he got to his apartment building, he looked around and with as much stealth as he could muster, crept up the stairs to his building. Creeping along, he didn't notice a shadow until it was too late,

"Where do you think you're going right now? Or, did you forget about this quarter of the year's rent?"

Naruto gulped, "err, funny story actually..."

|(_Sfx: Sigh_)| "I don't want any excuses, just cash." The burly shadow, with gleaming round circles for eyes who was Naruto's landlord gravely sighed out.

"B-But I just got mission pay~"

"Not my concern, now pay up or get evicted." He spoke out ominously.

"Fine... Here you go."

"Pleasure doing business as always Uzumaki-san, have a good one." The suddenly harmless, fortyish looking man called out sweetly as he passed by, looking for other tenants on whom to sweep down on like a hawk that races down, after a chicken which when it is caught is rendered free of its flesh, with only bones left out to the open air. All in all, the type of sadistic landlords, which Konoha, was known to house.

As he kept going up the flights of stairs, he deviated off of the path to his house, to pick up a package, which he had ordered through a friend.

|(_Sfx: Knock-Knock_)|

Naruto heard some shuffling on the other side of the door, and then a slide-and-click sound as one of the locks was opened to let just enough space be for a person to peep out. Said person was a twenty-some lady with hot-pink hair, three piercings on each ear occupied by black star earrings, lively brown eyes, and a mature face. Right now she smelt like dough and her hair had white speckles here-and-there.

"Ah! Naruto-kun, good to see you, I hope all is well. You must be here for your package; I'll go get it right now."

"..." She spoke and left in such rapid succession that it took Naruto almost a full thirty seconds after the fact to fully break-down her gibberish sounding slur.

"Here we are, its a little odd that this was made by the same company that manufactures women's clothes, but they must have gone into men clothes and I hadn't heard. Oh well, what can you do in these types of situations but shrug your shoulders and move on eh? Well it's been nice seeing you Naruto-kun, but I have something that needs my attention right now, so take care and no need to thank me, we're neighbours so it's no biggie O.K? Okay. Bye now."

"..." after accepting the box, Naruto just zoned out because she started speaking so fast that he could not, at all, understand what she was saying.

After another two minutes of standing there rebooting, he waved awkwardly, even though she could not see it, the strolled back to his apartment with the package hidden in his mission pack.

Immediately in his apartment, he put up his own privacy measures: Sound-and-Sight blocking tags, reinforcement seals, Chakra masking and overspill seals, etc –making his apartment a mini-fortress. Once sure everything was up and that no one was in the apartment with him, he arranged his gear, took off his sandals and forehead protector. He took a deep breath, then opened his jacket and rose up his inner shirt to reveal the seal we all know and love. He focused the right amount of chakra into his fingers then gently pressed his fingers on the seal at specific points, then forcefully pushed and turned in the clockwise direction, then grit his teeth as a familiar pain gripped his body as a boiling red mass slowly oozed out of the seal. They formed feet first, then up to the ankles, then knees, then thighs, then it sped up forming the rest of the clearly male body. When the red mass condensed, a male with cool black eyes, orange-red hair, sculpted features befitting of one in a Japanese boy band matched with tribal stripes –the horizontal lines on each cheek, and sharp double-canines poking out from his upper lip. Said male rushed forward and caught Naruto's body before 'he' fell to the ground, moaning in pain.

"Gomen, Anata, I am sorry it has to be like this but it will be just for a little while until I _will_ be able to fully free myself totally from the seal, with your help beloved."

Hearing those words, Naruto passed out, gracing Kurama with a smile before passing out in his arms.

Naruto awoke beside the familiar warmth known as Kurama, Naruto's husband.

_They were married a year into Naruto's trip with 'his' godfather: Jiraiya, who bore witness to their union, and promised to keep it on the down-low till they were ready to reveal it. He had at first been sceptical about it and had tried killing Kurama, but Naruto succeeded in calming him down and explaining Kurama, Naruto being a girl among other things; Jiraiya was convinced that Kurama was not being false, as he could see the same love and adoration that he had for Tsunade and Minato in Kurama's eyes when he looked at Naruto_.

* * *

Naruto opened her eyes to find herself face to face with her husband, but didn't react beyond smiling softly and brushing her lips against his,

"Morning, my love." Naruto murmured sleepily, smile widening a little more. Kurama looked into her eyes as if searching for something, then;

"Good to see you are all right, beloved. I am sorry for the pain you have to go through for my sake... it will all change soon, and for the better if I have any say in it."

"Don't be worried, the pain gets easier to bear every time if I am thinking about you and how bright our future together will be."

"Well I won't allow it any more than I have to, and will be working on regaining my lost chakra and completely freeing myself from this seal." He said in return as he affectionately rubbed her stomach.

She grabbed his hand over her stomach, "When you're finally free, what will happen then? You know ninety percent of the village population will never accept you; rather, they would strive for our destruction. I don't want that! I just want us to be happy, Rama-kun."

Kurama sat up on the bed, moving the comforter off his body, showing he was wearing burnt orange and black pants, the very same Naruto was known to wear with a matching jacket which Naruto noticed was tossed on the wardrobe door. Their room was spacious enough for two, as Kurama had urged Naruto to find a suitable place to live that wasn't rundown or in the industrial zone of the village.

Gently guiding Naruto's face back toward his own, Kurama assured her that their plan would work.

"You have saved enough, and the bounties I have cashed in should be more than enough to help us start over and live comfortably for at least a decade, My Heart. The time is in concert with my full release."

Naruto started sobbing into his chest,

"I-I'm scared Rama-kun. What if we get caught?" she said between sobs.

"We will not. Do you not trust me love? All those bounties I took were strategically placed. According to plan, sometime this week, there should be commotion in Fire Country's capital, and some refugees will try getting into this city illegally, which will make them tighten the security at potential entry points, leaving the commissioned entrances under-staffed." He assured her.

"What about my 'caretakers'-" Naruto pointed out, "won't they notice us gone?"

"Do not worry beloved, as i said," He smirked. "I have a plan"

* * *

Later that week, a day before Naruto was due to resume taking missions, there was a massive influx of people trying to escape Hi no Kuni's borders, which were under attack from a horde of nuke-nin all frothing at the mouth with rage in search of a chubby man with nine fingers and a trick eye. This character coincidentally resembled a travelling businessman who was once based in Konoha, but moved on in search of greener pasture. He would later be found by an up-and-coming run-of-the-mill nuke-nin. He would be eviscerated and immolated from the inside out.

Naruto would later find out what Kurama had done and would keep laughing for hours whenever she looked at Kurama. He would grin and drag her to himself, nibble her neck and they would be found nude, tired and sweaty but smiling and Naruto being spooned by her man.

They would find a home on an abandoned ruin of an island, its ruins marked by a red spiral and black inky embroidery.

They would spend three years reconstructing the island, discovering unpillaged scrolls bearing the secrets of the Uzumaki style of fuuinjutsu, which was surprisingly easy to learn for Naruto, with Kurama refusing to learn something that was entitled to Naruto alone. Their efforts in the reconstruction aided by their, particularly Naruto's fuuinjutsu, skills. A week later, stone golems could be seen helping with the construction. Two weeks, mud wolves could be seen patrolling the borders of the island, which had recently begun to flourish anew with life.

Another three years later, Kurama and Naruto- both looking like twenty year olds- would settle down and procreate. Their first child would be Uzumaki Kohaku. He would be a red haired ball of energy and a 'fun' experience for one named Kurama. The patriarch and matriarch would start trade with the lands of Water and Hot Springs, resulting in their 'Discovery' by surrounding nations. Within six months, there were ambassadors bearing trade agreements, within a year 'Rama and 'Ruto and 'Haku would not be the only ones on the island. When Kohaku turned five, there would be approximately ten thousand people on the island.

When Kohaku turned fifteen, his parents would notice that they weren't getting older physically anymore, worrying Naruto and Kurama, but they would put it off for a while to handle the growing hub that was the newly named Land of Progress. Nevertheless, when Kohaku tuned nineteen, and they still did not look any older than when he was born, they panicked. Utilizing Naruto's unprecedented fuuinjutsu prowess, they would alter their appearances slowly and steadily until they looked thieir fifty-ish age. Kohaku would marry one of the residing ambassador's daughters, Shizuka, at twenty-one years of age.

War would come when Kohaku's second child would be six months into. The war would be from Kumo's alliance with Konoha's Uchiha Sasuke, under Danzo. Lives would be lost in the quest for Naruto and her Bijuu. A blood clone would be captured, containing tainted dense energy, while Kurama along with Naruto would be deemed dead, nearly destroying Kohaku. But he would stand strong and lead to the island's return to glory, marked as one of the island's greatest leaders.

Naruto and Kurama would watch from the sidelines as their son grew old, fathered more children, then die with his wife in their sleep on his ninetieth birthday. They would watch his descendants grow into a powerful nation in their own right, but loose their way along the line, even with Naruto's and Kurama's subtle nudges. They would witness the Shinju's resurrection into the world, and how it obliterated everything in its path, and everyone. They would eventually defeat it, working as one mind against it, forcing it to its knees and subjugating it and draining its life force into theirs. Kurama the firepower and brains, Naruto the contingency plan and support.

Weeping silently for their son and his descendants, they would seal themselves for two thousand years, waking up to see the world restored from the massive injuries and scars it attained during their battle with the Shinju. They would find the world ruled by flying gigantic reptiles, the air much more vibrant than in their time, and humans using floating seal arrays to summon powers unheard of to themselves. They would explore the lands, helping where they could for a hundred years, then would go back to their 'home', where another two thousand years would be spent, this time they would meet a world dominated by pirates and mechanical sentient beings and beasts of all kinds.

This cycle would repeat itself over and over, until they both got tired of living in this hell and would try to end it all, but fail at every turn.

They tried everything they could- hedonism, greed, anger, weed, acid- yet nothing. When they resigned themselves with their monotonous destiny, a grinning being appeared before them, barely eliciting anything other than a twitch from Kurama.

"I have a deal for you." It said, grinning all the while.

* * *

So here they were, pretending to be weaklings in the black and white uniforms they were given, to become shinigami in divisions Two and Four, Kurama and Naruto respectively. Naruto, the blue-eyed longhaired blonde with a killer figure concealed under her uniform and big framed glasses. Kurama, a handsome fiery redhead with a muscled but graceful body, ignored as the creepy nerd with several tattoos covering half his face.

"Get over here ya lazy bum, you still gotta finish your portion of the barracks. You really ought'ta stop staring at that blonde, she ain't got nothing. Now Matsumoto Rangiku Fuku-taicho, there's somethin' everyman should be lookin' at..." Kurama absentmindedly nodded at the Fourth seat's tirade. As he looked on at the aforementioned blonde, she turned and upon spotting him, smiled that beautiful smile that he was so fond of, before following Second seat Isane Fuku-taicho back to their barracks to deliver files to Unohana-taicho. Smiling on, he kept on drowning out the tirade and pictured that smile, the res of his already shitty day going great once again.

_A/N:_

_So this came out after an absence from this site. Just sat down from five in the evening till twelve twenty am to complete this. hope it is cool enough for ya. Review, not more than a minute, even if you just say 'hi'. Thanks FyrByd-X_


	3. Chapter 3 - Psycho Conundrum

**Psycho Conundrum **(WTf right? Needs a better title)

**Discarded idea. Enjoy what i got before i lost inspiration.**

* * *

Their instructor danced around and between their attacks, making minute corrections to their angles of attack with such ease that they were reminded of spars between their senseis at the academy.

She was a tall person who possessed a lithe figure. Said person also had a narrow waist which flared out into wide hips, long slender legs, a modest bust and dusky, smooth skin. This individual wore thick, dark leather pants and a sleeveless armoured vest, albeit in a size which only served draw attention to the figure's shapely body-mostly to her bust. The figure had mid-back length white hair, a smooth face complete with dark, pouty lips and delicate eyebrows, cheekbones and a button nose. Said figure also had a high pitched but soft voice which could convey any emotion, even though said figure always spoke in a tired, bored monotone. The voice was conveying disappointment at the moment, with a large hood shielding her face from light and white bangs peeking over the edge of the lower part of the hood, elbow length gloves and guards firmly fixed onto her arms.

"I said to strike _after_ feinting, Naruto, not before... Kick a bit higher, around the temples, you'd do more dam- stick to the basics first before making your own moves to flow in with-". The figure sighed as it brushed its left ear, showing studded ears bearing four dark blue small loops and three green on the right ear which were glimpsed at as the feminine hooded figure moved her head to track their movements across their training field.

'The least he could do is help with their training not keep ogling that poor, scantily dressed person eating sweets.'

Sighing for the umpteenth time, the figure called out to the two people fighting in the field:

"That's all for today, it's getting dark which means you should be on your-"

"But I'm not tired at all!"

"-way home. Never, ever interrupt me again. Do you understand Naruto." The figure said as the surrounding area suddenly darkened, the air shook with palpable rage, trees swayed, an unbearable heat seared their skin and a minute crease of the figures brow their world.

Naruto, the first genin and Sasuke, the second were scared almost to the point of passing out because of Naruto's overenthusiastic retort and the weight crashing down on their shoulders. They would have, too, when; *Fart*

The pressure dissipated as if it was never there in the first place and the training field lightened considerably as a large muscular figure strolled into the field munching on several sweets with his mask tilted up, just enough to shove the assortment of candies into his mouth while occasionally looking behind and giggling to himself and mumbling incoherently.

He was a bulky, muscular and tall individual clad in a sleeveless armoured vest accompanying thick leather trousers with shin guards and sturdy, large boots, wrist grabbing gloves sturdy enough to withstand blows from a sword–all in ominous dark colours to go with a maroon mask hiding his face, but allowed a bit of a leeway, showing bronze skin, pulled taut over corded muscle. This, however, sharply contrasted with his, fluorescent pink hair and a cute brown bunny he was currently petting, ruining the badass image he was going for.

He stopped chomping loudly when he saw how tense every one was, especially the hooded one.

"Err, did I miss something?" He spotted Naruto and Sasuke down on their knees, leaning on each other,panting with eyes wide and shaking like leaves in a storm. He noticed the minute crease on his partner's forehead and deduced that something caught the figure's ire, he tried calming the figure down.

"Oi, shouldn't you two be going home or do you want to keep cuddling and getting all cosy with each other?"

Naruto spluttered and blushed while Sasuke's eye twitched as Naruto jumped away and Sasuke dusted his knees, both wiped beads of sweat away. They both edged slowly behind the hulking figure, who immediately started patting their heads while surreptitiously trying to sneak them identical candy packs and shooing them away.

Immediately the two had gone far enough, the lithe figure started crumpling to her knees, only to be caught by the hulking figure who wrapped his arms around the lighter figure protectively around them as both of them disappeared from the training ground and from the eyes hidden in the shadows around the training ground, as hushed cussing was heard as four figures blurred into view on the space previously occupied.

A ghostly laugh was all that was left of the mysterious duo that had been in and around the village for about three months, they had as yet failed to make direct contact the two, or in a more aggressive move, get them in custody for 'questioning'. The leader of the team of nin sighed. It was grating on his nerves how they had yet to get a hold of them. The string pullers were breathing down his neck, as they had been for months, knowing as he knew that the duo were so far ahead of them in terms of skill that it was past being funny. He sighed into his mask, **Inu**, then swirled his hand in the air and pointed in the direction he sensed they departed to.

* * *

They landed deep within the forest a few yards away from a stream.

"You should not strain yourself while training ones so young. Remember that you have not fully recovered from 'it', Masu-chan." The bulkier of the two addressed the one now known as 'Masu' as he moved about; spotting a sturdy baobab tree to set the smaller figure down against, in a tranquil clearing situated in what was known as the 'Forest of Death' as attested by the fact that a jaguar many times the size of the male figure passed by, only glancing in their direction in mild curiosity as it spat out a gnarled metal plate from its chewing mouth. It moved on when the pink haired figure shooed it away by tossing the cute, pudgy little bunny rabbit, which was immediately swallowed whole.

He crouched, scooping handfuls of water to clear away any dirt or leaves and such that may have clung to his body from their supersonic departure, unlikely as it was because of the speed with which he had moved would have created a pseudo-wall of- He shook his head, 'Not the time to start scientific speculation.' So, instead, he focused on what his companion was saying.

"I *_Sigh* _I know something big is in store for those two and their generation, and that is why we going through all this; working be-"

"'behind the scenes to bring about true peace', yes, yes I know, but we have been given years upon years to bring about this change, still doesn't mean that you can't take it slow-enjoy the ride if you will-but please, we just started this bloody quest last year after 'it'." The bulkier figure insisted after smoothly cutting into the other's sentence.

"Dont look at me like that; it's for your own good and you know it too!" They settled into a comfortable silence, only broken by the rustling of the grass as Masu stretched out her legs on the forest floor followed by the taller one settling down and resting his head on Masu's lap, Masu immediately stroking his hair with slender fingers that worked their way to the roots of his hair, soothing him and making him sigh in contentment. After a few minutes of quiet rumination, mostly on Masu's side,

"Sorry, what I did was wrong, but-" Masu sighed "-it's just that those two are exactly like how I and _him_ were when we were younger and still the best of friends, before we had to grow up, before ambition ruined our friendship and our _his _quest for revenge broke us apart and he betrayed what we once were."

The muscled man nodded sleepily, his eyes drooping.

Sure that he was asleep, Masu lowered her hood, letting her mane of pure white hair out in the open, revealing two tiny black protrusions at the crown of her head at a sixty degree angle difference between them. She sighed as they lengthened to a total of seven inches, ignoring the bend at the midlength of them. Supressing them always left her a bit edgy and prone to violent, draining outbursts... and a craving for watermelon for some reason. She raised a hand to feel the tips of her pitch black horns, also knowing her eyes would revert to the purple, concentric circled dojutsu the **rikudo sennin** was famous for.

She ran her fingers through his scalp. She really loved doing that, nearly as much as she loved him. She stopped when she detected a number of fairly powerful chakra signatures moving steadily towards her and her partner. She sighed, 'Why couldn't they just let her be. Yes, she was interacting with their **Jinchuuriki** and the last loyal Uchiha. But after three months of progress on their part, couldn't they just accept that she and her partner meant no harm. They're a ninja village, but come on.'

Sighing again, she slapped her hands together and held them like that, "Aegis of Displacement."

I really suck at naming shit

A translucent dome appeared around the two which started vibrating quickly before disappearing with an electric fizzle and the smell of ozone.

* * *

The group of five people, ANBU to be politically correct, landed were the faint trail stopped.

One of the ANBU threw his mask down off his face, "Goatmouth Motherfucker!." Inu sighed

everyone sighs too much, yes I know

He had a lot of bullshitting to pull off in front of the general council, before he would give his full report to Sandaime-sama. A long report. 'Paperwork, ugh.'

"Back to base everyone."

* * *

**Another concept that can and has been explored many times. Time Travel. This story has the big one being Sasuke, or at least his scavenged body parts held together by metal an circuitry after being used and discarded by Orochimaru. The girl is nuke-nin Naruto, who after posing as a female on so many self assigned missions to bring back Sasuke, has gone insane, after being raped, beaten, tortured in boiling oil etc. He finally goes insane, differentiating herself from Naruto as an entirely different entity. Some dark shit goes on, generally a horror/mystery/thriller thing, a core part of the story explores Masuyo's love for Sasuke. Please, someone take this idea up (a mention of me will be nice (makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside)) PM? I guess if you're stuck.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Foxhole

**FoxHole**

* * *

**Just for fun. I'm going to play with this idea. Let me know how you feel about it. Thanks. And yes, I do like chocolate.**

* * *

One of the most well trained and dangerous squads to be in, in the ANBU division, was Team FoxHole. Coined for the fact that they were assigned the protection detail of Konoha's Jinchuuriki. The team did not have any constant members, being that they fought the assassins that set their sights on the young boy.

Now, you might think that they might have been weaklings in that they lost a member in 3 out of 5 missions, but you should consider; if one could sneak into arguably the strongest village in the elemental nations, they would be skilled individuals, then they would have to get around patrolling squads and the odd nin returning from a mission or going on one.

Safe to say, only the skilled and dangerous it anywhere close to their goal.

Ken konoemon sat on a shaded ledge overlooking at their charge's apartment, as the others were patrolling. They were anxious, as they were expecting an attack tonight. Figuring that he had a few minutes to himself, he dipped his hands in his pocket and brought out a wrapper of bubblegum to chew as he sat relatively still. He blinked in surprise, spitting out wad of bubblegum due to it's sudden bitter aftertaste. Five seconds later, as he was foaming from his mouth, he realised he'd been poisoned, but there was nothing he could do now. Ten seconds later, a shadowy figure stepped out from behind the bark of the tree, onto the very same tree branch that was occupied by a fresh corpse. He quickly slit the throat, making sure it was dead.

Knowing that he had little time left, he quickly, but silently made his way to his marked's house. When he opened the door, he immediately knew something was wrong, from how frigid the air felt, even with 99% of his skin concealed. But, as an assassin/mercenary who took great pride in his accomplishments, he soldiered on determined to see it through.

He stopped when he heard a sweet voice humming from the bedroom, but he figured the kid might have left the TV on, or something of the sort.

When he silently opened the door to the room, he was shocked to see his mark lying on his bed, shirtless, with an orange haired, orange eyed chick being spooned by him. As it appeared, they were awake and about to sleep.

The girl sniffed the air, then turned to face him, showing a teenaged face. An unsurprised, unhappy teenaged face.

"Again?" She groaned, "Couldn't you guys give us a break? Every other week, its 'hello, we've been hired by so-so shitface to kill you'. This is all very tiring."

His mark groaned, then shifted and in a lightening quick motion, a dark pole pierced through his left eyeball into his brain, killing him instantly.

*Thud!*

"Couldn't you let me rant for a few seconds?"

"And miss how cute you get when you're frustrated?"

"I-."

He silenced her with a kiss straight on the lips. She purred, and leaned into the kiss. Pulling away, she looked him in the eye, holding the sides of his face. "Next one's mine." She stated, daring him to contradict her.

"Hn."

"I'm glad we've reached an understanding. Now, what were we doing?"

* * *

**Just for fun. If you think this could be a good fanfic idea, you are free to use it, just a mention of me, and we're good. I'll probably write more like this, but it'll be mostly discarded ideas and little vignettes of other stories with my spin on them. Feel free to review or don't, like if you enjoyed it.**


	5. Chapter 5 - Zombies In Paradigm

**Zombies In Paradigm**

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Enjoy, all post-apocalypse and zombie fans.

Imagination will bring this to life.

"_Give me a place to stand, and I shall move the world!"_

_-?_

* * *

There was the sound of a door closing, followed a heavy 'clunk' sound and several little 'clicks'. A heavy metal frame with metal meshing, and several dead bolts and locks to keep out both human and other...unpleasantness.

"Oh, my lovely lady. I know, I know, I was late 'cause I had to work late today," He said, unbuckling pieces of brown speckled tan kevlar. "The guys were a little more trouble than they were worth, but I'm home now, and that's all that matters." A 'clunk' sound as something of weight descended harshly to the ground, followed by several clicks.

He walked over to his lovely wife.

She had poorly died pink hair, was model thin with really pale skin. She had the greenest eyes, which were contacts since she had said she hated her real eye colour.

"Oh! We're doing bondage tonight?" He said gesturing at the chains that held each of her hands and feet and to the gag that covered her mouth. He stroked he right cheek which made her moan with need as she leaned into his soft caress, her bright green eyes tracking his in the low lighting the candles around the room gave.

He pulled off his heavy boots into which he had tucked the seams of his thick trousers in. He unbuckled his belt, grinning lewdly at his scantily clad lover, eyes fixated on her prominent breasts-she always gave vague answers when he asked her how large they were. Her sexy hips gyrated wantonly as an invitation to him. He stepped out of his trousers easily, his brown boxers following immediately putting his tower of manliness on display, all ten inches.

He crawled on top of her, nibbling his way up her abdomen, her body already slick with sweat as she strained at her bonds in the throes of orgasmic arousal. He inched her massive mammaries out of the soft cups of her black leather bustier, licking her quarter sized areola, pinching at her nipples with relish. Satisfied that she was well and truly ready, he pulled down her panties, exposing musty brown hair soaked in her juices. He grabbed his hardness, jerking it a few times as he lined it up with her opening. He thrust it in with a guttural gasp, enjoying how tight she was. He started slowly, moving from side to side, changing angles with each thrust. He started thrusting harder, faster until he blew his load in her. Spent, he rolled over and collapsed, a sharp pain in his chest knocked him out, into unconsciousness.

* * *

An unspecified time period later...

A lean muscled golden haired man burst into a dank room, his dark haired, grey eyed wife trailing behind him, her face immediately scrunched up because of the nasty smell that assaulted her olfactory lobes, she threw up a little in her mouth. The man looked around, perusing the random pieces of junk he saw, he knew they had to move soon, he had seen a horde of zombies few miles out, and seeing that there were runners, they only hadd a few minutes to scavenge what they could from this hideout they'd seen a guy go into, but they had yet to see him. Asleep maybe? He saw a military grade chest piece next to some well maintained steel tipped boots. He even saw gun rack with five assault rifles and three shotguns, all with extra ammo, a long handled scythe stood beside a dull black short sword.

"Jackpot."

His wife's pale face brought a frown to his.

He followed her to the only open room, in which he saw a chained, gagged zombie in a fetish outfit, by which lay a fairly muscled, black haired man who was clearly dead as his chest hadn't risen in the minute he had stood there, looking on in shock at the scene before him.

He was instantly repulsed the moment he put together what had gone on.

The guy had a black, viscous looking mess dripping from his limp dick, which was out with his dirty brown, shit stained underwear around his feet, his jeans lying discarded at the corner of the room, a white mess dribbled out of the zombie's vagina to form a puddle on the dank sheets. The wig wearing zombie had one green contact in it's left eye, the right one a glowing white which shone with malevolence. The gag in it's mouth prevented it from rasping at them, it was a piece that went in through it's nostrils and clamped shut under it's jaw.

"I thought I'd seen some serious shit since this thing started two years ago. But necrophilia? Come on!" Which was true. He'd seen a kid who'd had braces when the zombie apocalypse had hit. He refused to live with braces forever, so he'd travelled half the country in search of a practising orthodontist to remove them. Strange kid, that one.

"What should we do, Naruto-kun?" His wife said, worriedly glancing towards the entrance, nervously twisting her braided ponytail. She looked really cute that way, he noted.

He must have said it out loud, because her cheeks were aflame.

"Let's grab we can carry and get back to the truck Hinata-chan, that horde we left two towns back is heading this way. We should probably change course instead of travelling in a straight line."

Loaded down with guns and ammunition and extra food, they rushed into their truck. Naruto glanced at the fuel gauge, "Half tank, baby!" He nearly whooped.

He adjusted the visor of his cap and put down his hood, positioning his desert eagle for easy handling. Hinata got in the back seat, loading one of the assault rifles they'd got, onto which she had affixed one of their home-made silencers and it's special stock. Once done, she put it's muzzle through one of the holes they had drilled into the slitted iron wall that served as the rear window of their truck, chewing on a nutrient bar while doing so.

"They're almost on us, about a mile out!" She sighted them through her binoculars, their grisly faces looked very disturbing even from a distance. She could spot a few internal organs dropping from their decaying bodies, a cloud of death hung over them.

She glanced down, gently running her hand over her tummy with a soft smile as she glanced at her former childhood crush, but current husband. She knew they would make it, all three of them.

The truck sprang to life, before lurching forward with an aggressive growl. A cloud of dust cloaked the direction they went, wandering an apocalyptic wasteland where each day was a daily struggle for survival.

He swerved around an orange fox in the middle of the road, heading off in the midday sun.

* * *

The dark haired man woke up, his vision blurry, his hearing amplified to the point that he could hear the sound his hair made as he jerked upright. He couldn't feel his legs, but he stood up anyway, finding it a difficult process. A loud banging sound drew his attention to the bed, but he could not spot anything of interest.

He shuffled awkwardly out of the room, and immediately noticed a sweet aroma in the air. He suddenly realised that he was hungry, ravenously so. A loud wail ripped it's way out of him, and he tore off towards the source of the smell, only to be stopped by a wall in his way, but his hunger drove him, making him to smash his body against the obstacle in his way. His right arm snapped, but it did not register.

His mind was already lost to **THE RAGE**.

* * *

**Incase you were wondering, the guy in the poorly written smut is Sasuke, the zombie, a caricature of Sakura. This is a short story on the zombie apocalypse. I intended to write something much more fucked up, but I think this is alright. **

**If anyone wants to use this to write a fic, just PM to say so, and it's yours.**


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